Little Xavier James is squirming all around inside my belly and contracting like crazy ALL the time. My due date isn't until August 9th, but my secret heart's desire is that he would come tomorrow, on the 31st of July. We shall see... My other two boys are both born on the 31st of their birth month. Kinda cool. Anyway, it really doesn't matter. God's timing is best.
I think the last time I posted we didn't have a name. Xavier means "bright and splendid" and James means "supplanter". We intentionally chose Xavier because we liked the way it sounded and we liked the meaning. Honestly, until right now I hadn't even considered the meaning of the name James. We just liked the way it flowed and it happens to be in the family on my side. As I was just looking up the meaning of supplanter I found this definition: "one who wrongfully or illegally seizes and holds the place of another." This is very interesting to me considering what God has been stirring around in my heart regarding expectations. Upon reading the definition of supplanter, some mommas might gasp at the words "wrongfully and illegally". People with perfectionist and legalistic tendencies like myself, may immediately conclude that they certainly don't want anything wrong or illegal for their child. And of course we don't. But what if God views things a little differently? After all, He's the One who's not finished with us yet. Precious Jesus is the One constantly providing intercession to the Father on my behalf when I sin and turn back to Him in confession and repentance. Praise be to God!
Jacob, which is where the name James is actually derived from, is the man in the bible who stole the firstborn birth right from his brother Esau. Read the account in Genesis 25 through 27. There is nothing "Sunday School or good" about it. He straight up schemed, lied, and weaseled his way into possession of the birthright and his father Abraham's blessing. I'm no bible scholar, but I know that Jacob is basically a bible hero, a good guy, one that God esteems. All over the rest of the bible you will find the term "God of Jacob". Pretty impressive. So, I have been trying to reconcile this initial "wrong" act that seems to have set the entire course of Jacob's life in place, with the fact that he turns out to be such a "good" guy.
Another example... So often lately, for some reason, my mind will drift to thinking about King David's momma rocking him as a baby. This is the King David who was a man after God's own heart (1 Kings 9:4, 11:4, 14:8, 15:3). The same King David who also committed murder and adultery. I am most certain David's momma never prayed for her child to commit murder or adultery while she was rocking him to sleep. No one would ever do that. Yet here we have a man who God allowed to commit those heinous sins so he could pen the words to Psalm 51. So, little ole' me, part of the generations of believers to come after him, could read David's Psalms and get my reality in check from time to time. The horrific events in David's life shaped the man he was. I keep trying to find where in the bible that perfect person is. I just can't do it. What do I find instead? Account after account of messed up people giving their hearts to God and God using them for His glory. God allows pain to bring good. Suffering to produce glory. All of which does not fit into the category of "perfect". Sounds a lot like the what happened on the cross and a lot like what happens in my life.
A bed of roses is not how I would describe raising a five, three, and two year old with one on the way any day now. It's just not pretty most of the time. And when it is pretty, of course I don't have my camera or phone near by to capture the moment so I can store it away and view it on those days when I need to know, at least for a moment, that maybe I really am doing an okay job at motherhood. Life just isn't like that for me. I am trying to get to the point where I will quit expecting harps and peace and tranquility at every turn. I know some may want to stop me and tell me to quit with my depressing outlook on life. No, you say, God has good for you. You can have peace in Him. Yes, I can...in Him. Not in my circumstances. Let me tell you, when my circumstances are easy and wonderful, I try to be fully appreciative and receive that moment of happiness with thanksgiving. I'm actually having one of those moments right now. I am typing away as the contractions keep coming and my husband is playing with our three children at the zoo. I think it's going on three hours of peace and quiet in this house. Let me tell you, I am grateful. I'm just saying, that can't be my expectation every day or Satan will absolutely eat me for lunch...actually, he will probably be done with me by breakfast.
An acquaintance of mine from college recently lost her 2 month old little boy. Her faith and the faith of her husband are incredible. Their hearts are truly worshiping the Lord through this tragedy and counting it a blessing to be worthy to partake in the sufferings of Christ. Not what anyone would wish for their life, but they are experiencing the glory and grace that can come from deep suffering. I wonder if I allow myself to worship the Lord and receive His grace in the midst of my mundane "suffering." You moms know what I'm talking about--dealing with the same disobedience for the umpteenth time in an hour, changing another diaper, wiping up another spill, opening the refrigerator one more time hoping dinner will just jump out and onto the table. Putting one foot in front of the other when all you want to do is crawl into bed. Trying to "let the little children come to Me" when all I want to do is scream at them to just give me one minute of peace. Trying to get through that important phone call without a meltdown to attend to or disaster to divert. Suffering. Maybe more appropriate long-suffering. That is what so much of motherhood is about for me. Lord, give me your grace, your mercy, your strength to endure and to do the job I've been given well. I depend upon You and am desperate for your Holy Spirit. Work in me.
I was recently encouraged by the teaching of an older woman at church. The basic premise was this. Kids don't always make you look good. You may be blessed with the compliant type that do for the most part, but most of the time, at least for a little while, they don't. This woman, a little further along in life than me, was admonishing us that we would be wise to sacrifice our "perfect mom image" so that our kids can learn to choose God for themselves. Our mess-ups in life are often the very things that bring us again to the Lord in desperation, if we are believers, or to the Lord for the first time, if you are not a believer. Would we be so selfish as to contrive and control the lives of our children to never experience pain, problems, or mistakes? Without them how else would God train our hearts to want Him more than other, lesser things? What is my job, really as a mom? To fill my children up with the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God. God promises it will not return void. It will be their job to wield that Sword one day when they need it. Maybe they will pull out God's Word and fight to victory or maybe they will learn the hard way through defeat. I just want to have a clean conscience that I at least did my job of depositing God's Word into their little souls and training them up in the way they should go. Will they go that way? That is up to them. (Deuteronomy 5:16, Ephesians 6:1-3) Sometimes the hardest part is letting them choose. We all sin. There is no one righteous, no not one. But what will my response and my children's response be when we do? That is the mark of a heart pleasing to the Lord. I have a feeling that King David's momma was a pretty incredible woman. I can't wait to meet her one day. Just some things I am pondering...
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